Premieres, gigs and parties were amongst a few of the things I thought I’d miss when I had a baby.
The thing I miss the most is one that hadn’t crossed my mind when weighing up my pre baby and post baby life.
I miss my daughter.
I miss the year I spent watching her grow every second of everyday. I miss feeding her every meal and giving her mini high fives at each milestone. I miss watching her take her little naps, playing, snuggling and just being there for her 24/7.
I envy my friends who stay at home with their children. I know it’s hard, but trust me sitting in front of a computer screen knowing you should be at home with your child is like pulling your heart out and running it back and forth through a paper shredder. When you’re not busy beating yourself up about working, you’re busy cooking dinner, doing washing, tidying and have little time to just ‘be’ with your child.
Working full time and raising my daughter alone is the hardest job I will ever do. Playing the role of both mum and dad means having to ram two peoples chores, love and responsibilities into one. The results- spreading yourself pretty damn thin (like I’m talking onion skin thin!) to have a functional life.
Part of that is working to provide for us.
Maybe that’s just my material mind speaking. Perhaps if we lived in a warmer country we could live off the land, have a simple life and not want for anything, but in reality merely existing in this world has its price tag.
Right now I have my two days from home (which I cherish), on a ‘normal’ working day I see her for an hour in the morning (me running around getting ready for work, packing her breakfast and lunch whilst trying to keep her entertained before dropping her off (kills me every morning to say goodbye- I’ve had numerous drive-crys to work) and two hours in the evening when I make us dinner (we always sit at the table and have baby chats) it’s bathtime and before I know it…bedtime.
The days go by way too fast.
And I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on my daughter.